How To Satisfy The Midnight Munchies

It’s late at night, you’ve had a rough day, the neighbors keep giving you crap and you just need to forget your problems. You do what you can to try to block out the rest of the world, but something serious happens. You’ve got the midnight munchies.

What can you possibly do? If you went out to eat what you want you’d probably have the cops on your ass. Surely, there has to be alternatives.

Hotdogs

The hotdog: man’s real best friend. Made of processed meats of various origins compressed into an indistinguishable mass of who knows what, the hot dog is quite possibly the greatest weapon of mass destruction ever devised by man. It’s also one of the easiest things to get in mass quantities in the US without funny looks (besides bullets)

Pros

- Easy to obtain: hotdogs are everywhere in mass quantities and no one has any problems with you getting huge numbers at once, they’ll assume it’s for a BBQ
- Lots of variety in things you can put on them, mustard, ketchup, relish, chili (extra meat!)
- Leftovers can be cut up into other, less meaty foods

Cons

- Buns don’t come in equal numbers
- Little more unusual away from major holidays
- You have no idea what’s actually in it

Liver

Liver and onions, liverwurst, chopped liver: there’s almost no end to the stuff that you can do with this piece of meat that almost no one really wants. Some people like it, but chances are, if you’re in the market, they’ll have plenty left that no one touched.

Pros

- Easy to get in large quantities, just drop by the market
- Lots of ways you can go about preparing it
- Nutritious: High in iron and Vitamin A

Con

- Hard to think of what to do with it
- Nutritious
- Liver? Really? Who likes liver?
- You can overdose on Vitamin A, thus, you can overdose on liver

Haggis

Haggis, further exemplifying the Scottish philosophy of “fuck it all”, is the stuffing of the sheep’s “pluck” (read: everything) into its stomach. Though this likely started when a pissed off Scot force fed a sheep its own organs, this has since been done after the animal was dead. They still eat it though... and you can too!

Pros

- Filling: at least one stomach was full from this meal
- Efficient: no part of this animal went to waste
- Fulfills some deeper needs

Cons

- Heavy prep time, after all, you have to gut the animal and then reassemble it
- Crime against nature
- You may need to buy livestock to get all the necessary parts in some countries

Rocky Mountain Oysters

Infamous, legendary objects of all that is disgusting about folklore, much like yourself. Rocky Mountain Oysters truly define which part of the pig people do not want to eat. Tiny nuggets of meat popped in your mouth like donut holes made of pork. Just don’t think too hard about what they are.

Pros

- Snackable: can be served in a bowl and eaten in front of the TV
- Quick to prepare
- Could be eaten with a dipping sauce
- May work well with leftover hotdogs

Cons

- Can’t stop with just one, you may be eating them for a while
- You know exactly what part of the pig they came from
- Likely wont make you popular with friends who eat them unknowingly

But let’s face it, sometimes, you just want some brains. It’s natural, zombies being what they are. You try to deny the urge but sometimes you admit that even if you haven’t tried it you find yourself a little curious. Longing for a little taste, you watch your friends and thump on their skulls from time to time like a watermelon. It’s a matter of time before you lose it. Surely there has to be an alternative…

Chilled Monkey Brains

Okay, I admit I cheated on this picture. But does anyone (aside from the target audience) really want to see it? No, not at all. So let's carry on!

Pros

- Damnit, as a zombie, this is what you’ve been craving for weeks, months even
- It’s surprisingly high in nutritional value
- Nice frozen dessert to go with just about anything else
- Brrraaaaaiiinsssss

Cons

- You may have a problem eating it in public
- It may be hard to shop for them, given your condition
- If someone catches you doing it, two words: head shot

But, hey, sometimes you have to take a risk.

By the way, if you happen to like this entry and want to help feed another zombie one of these appetizing alternatives to the screaming munchies: Buy my book.

Alterpedia - Zombies

As a service to the community (and a little bit of shameless plugging for my book here) I feel it necessary to educate the populace about those persecuted souls that happen to be something other than human. For knowledge is power and I like to pretend I'm powerful.

Zombies

The term Zombie originally meant someone cursed with a mind-control spell which made them shuffling, mindless drones that took their master’s every command. Over time this definition has fallen out of use (to be taken up by Palin supporters) and the more common definition has come into use. Despite using the Haitian name, the concept of walking corpses is a worldwide phenomenon, this was thought to be due to a common fear of death and the occasional corpse being dug up by canines (sometimes by the individuals mentioned two posts back.)

They were wrong.

But, given the vast waves of undead folklore, it’d be hard to weed out myth from reality if we focused on all of those. Instead, we’ll focus on the most commonly known depiction of these complex and thought provoking figures.

Becoming a Zombie

Myth

Zombies are supposedly the risen bodies of the dead. These poor souls are resurrected by various means, sometimes immediately after their death by another zombie. The method of the starting infection can be from many different sources such as:

Viruses

Parasites

Voodoo

Reality Television

But, regardless of the initial cause, the most common form of zombification is being attacked and infected by another zombie.

Truth

Zombies suffer from a unique type of overactive A-Type Cell. When active, the A-Cell begins to gradually change their bodies, often unnoticed for long periods of their life but eventually causing visible deformities.

And, while relatively uncommon, infection of others with the A-Cell can and has happened during attacks by hungry zombies. The A-Cell, being present in all bodily fluids, can transfer through wounds inflicted during a confrontation. However, this is not the most common method of infection as there are more efficient methods of exchanging these fluids.

Traits of a Zombie

Myth

Zombies are decaying corpses without a will of their own, left in the state they were at the point of death but constantly decaying as any corpse would. Their skin grows pale and begins to decay as they wither and rot on their feet.

They are often shambling messes with little sense of coordination, unable to balance themselves properly and often on the verge of falling over while on their eternal hunt for food. And their food of choice? Humans.

Truth

Zombie bodies are constantly regenerating tissues in a cancer-like fashion. Healthy tissues grow beyond control while unhealthy tissues will be destroyed and replaced. The toll taken on their bodies to support such aggressive growth causes high calorie intake requirements that are often not met. The resulting forms are pale, decayed, withered and practically rotting on their feet.

The typical Zombie can eat enough to feed a small elephant. This results in them having an insatiable need for food at all times. They often find this through rather extensive grocery shopping. But, in worst case scenarios, they do turn to cannibalism if pushed far enough. Zombies commonly refer to this as a “screaming munchies”. However, several zombies have found occupations that allow the feeding of their cravings without the horrific consequences.

Though they do have some problems with muscle stiffness and weakness, and they suffer from organ failure due to the accelerated metabolism, the myth of being completely uncoordinated and mindless is untrue. In fact, due to overgrown nerve clusters, Zombies have redundant brains in their bodies which may make their limbs act independently (causing the shuffling) or, alternatively, result in dramatic increases in coordination where the various parts of the body can be precisely controlled with minimal effort.

These zombies, rarely identified for the majority of their lives, end up being painfully thin, pale but extremely graceful. Because of this grace, they are often not identified and slip by unnoticed while still exhibiting some peculiar lifestyle traits.

Killing a Zombie

Myth

Zombies can only be killed by severe trauma to the head, destroying their brain and causing their bodies to be unable to continue moving.

Truth

Zombies do not have a single weak point. All of their vital organs have created lesser redundant organs to continue their life while other parts of them fail. This results in them having extras of everything in some fashion, including brains.

This means that killing a zombie requires extreme trauma to multiple areas of their body. If you are forced to kill a zombie in self defense (during the aforementioned “screaming munchies”), destruction of most of their upper body will be required, though decapitation does prevent them from accurately seeing you and biting you.

However, in the end, Zombies (when well fed) are friendly, active contributors to society, especially theater and dance, where their complex nervous system benefits them greatly.



Look at them go.

Remember, if you are a zombie, or know a zombie, please join the Alters United Support Group. And if you wish to contribute to their ongoing well-being, I am donating a part of every book sold to a zombie in my neighborhood (his name is Zeddy), so please, buy one for Zeddy.

How To Deal With Your Monthly Transformation In 5 Easy Steps

So you’ve been watching the calendar all month and you’ve looked up to realize that the dreaded day has arrived. You’re already starting to feel it and you know you’ve been a little grumpier and, let’s face it, people are starting to avoid you. It’s time for your monthly visit from the rabid man-eating beast within.



So how do you deal with it? You can’t change who you are, it’s just biology. But you know that whenever you’re really left to your own devices you’re going to go and scalp the nearest mouth-breather to dare offend you. How do you keep yourself from carrying out righteous vigilante justice against the masses during this, the worst time of your month?

1. Don’t drink



“But I’m a happy drunk!” You say, “It can only improve my mood”

Wrong.

You’re a happy drunk on every other time of the month, but at this time of the month you’re just adding jet fuel to a bonfire. Why? It’s not because you’re personally unstable. Though, admit it, right now, you really are. No, let’s remember for a moment just who it is you’re dealing with at a time like this:



Yeah, hooting, hollering, throwing shit around and screaming like maniacs: these are your fellow drinkers. Even if you go to a liquor store you’re going to run into one of them. Maybe you don’t mind them most of the time, but you add the right amount of rage and you’re going to remember what these guys are really good for. After all, they’re inebriated and have a higher threshold for pain and stupid ideas. If you were to join them, there’s only one conclusion to draw from it.



2. Avoid crowds

So drinking might be a bad idea, unless you really want to start a scene and possibly maim someone. Though, if that was your goal then you’d be free to go ahead and make a go at it right now. But it isn’t, so you’re left wondering just what you do with your free time. You could always just take up something like aerobics or go shopping, right?

Wrong.

Remember those people at the bar and how irrational and insane they can be? Truth is, it’s not the alcohol, people are just dicks. Think about it for a moment and consider the last time you went to a good sale.



“Oh right, you pack a bunch of people into a group and they instantly become complete raving morons.”



So in the end, you may want to consider doing things in a peaceful, private environment.

3. Treat yourself

You’re feeling cranky, you’re starting to swell, your nails are growing out of control and you have a severe lust for blood. Your hair’s out of control to boot, making it all the worse when you’re really feeling self-conscious about everything already.



So what’re you to do? Obviously, it’s time to make yourself feel good about you. It’s time for a trip to the spa!

Think about it, those wild, crazy nails that you’re starting to grow could be easily dealt with in a manicure and pedicure. Maybe that hair could be styled or at the very least washed. And you could spend a great deal of time taking care of you. Everyone likes to get pet and pampered, so why not you?



After all, it's called nervous energy. So the best bet is to calm those nerves.

But, hey, let's say that doesn't work for you either. Let's say that it's not nervous energy so much as it is "chew his face off" energy. Well then what can you do about that?

4. Find an outlet

So you feel a little better after a visit to the spa, but there’s still some energy that you just can’t get out of your system. That inner aggression that’s making you want to peel off some dumb fool’s face is just building and society frowns on that kind of thing. You need to get it out of your system, fast. But what’re you to do? You’re a seething pot of biologically fueled rage and there’s nothing that civilized people will let you do to get it out aside from possibly cage fighting.



But it doesn’t have to be something aggressive, just something to get your heart pumping. Maybe you could take a jog, start a private work out routine, go hiking or mountain climbing. Hell, you could even play fetch at the dog park provided you’re calm enough to deal with being around other people in small doses.



The important thing is to get up, get active and do something that doesn’t involve causing grave bodily harm.

Still, there's some chance that this wont be enough. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes you just have to...

5. Embrace it!

At the end of the day, maybe none of this helped. Let’s face it, being a Werewolf is hard. But it’s also something to be enjoyed. After all, you’re faster, stronger and more focused than you have been the rest of the month. You could get activities out of the way that you’ve been aching to do but didn’t think you could get it done in a reasonable length of time. You’re not doing anything else right now anyway so why not take advantage of this time to work out some issues?



Plus, in today’s society, a lot of people are more understanding than they used to be. So long as you don’t do anything too crazy you’re going to be a-ok. Society’s more forgiving of your outlandish behavior because everyone knows what you’re going through. And, hey, even if they didn’t, who’s going to stop you?





And hey, there’s a support group for it!

Alterpedia - Werewolves

As a service to the community (and a little bit of shameless plugging for my book here) I feel it necessary to educated the populace about those persecuted souls that happen to be something other than human. For knowledge is power and I like to pretend I'm powerful.

Werewolves



Long has man been concerned with the concept of people being able to transform into animals. These creatures have been seen throughout history in depictions of tall and dark attackers pouncing on helpless women in...

Art



Film



And Literature



These depictions are often inaccurate, filled with myths, hearsay and teenage wet dreams. However, the truth behind the creatures is not far from the majority of these portrayals.

Having a reactive A-type Cell, were-creatures, what are officially known as "Metamorphs", have a tendency to undergo partial or total transformation according to external stimuli. However these changes are slightly different both in nature and cause from that of standard belief. Some examples of these changes are listed below.

The Transformation

The Myth

Werewolves are said to undergo a complete transformation into a wolf-like being with complete muzzle, pronounced teeth, claws, relocated ears and a changed skeletal structure resulting in a more bestial appearance reminiscent of a wolf or other creatures (examples of legend including jaguars, bears and other dominant predators depending on region of the world). These creatures are often based on the most dominant predator of the region and are nearly identical to the animal of origin.

Be they wolves



Jaguars



Or Rockstars



Truth

Metamorphs undergo severe changes due to rapid hormone shifts. These changes are dramatic and range in severity depending on the level of hormone shift and the time allowed for the changes to occur. Of these, the most common changes are

Nail Growth



Hair Growth



Insomnia and Irrational Behavior



None of these changes result in full wolf-like form or complete transformation into any other animal (though they may be mistaken for or behave like these animals as examples above show). Rather, they appear to be more like humans with animal-like features.



Silver

Myth

Werewolves are said to be immune to most form of injury. According to myth, the only way to kill a werewolf is to shoot them with a silver bullet.



Truth

In truth, Metamorphs do in fact have severe allergies to several things. Among these allergies are wolfs-bane and silver. Contact with these causes severe allergic reactions which could result in severe rashes, hospitalization and even death. As for bullets... well it's a bullet.



The Moon

The Myth

Werewolves are prone to transformation under the light of a full moon, making their rampages a nocturnal rampage on the brightest night of the month.



Truth

Metamorphs are prone to multiple day transformations as a result of any major hormonal shift ranging from stress or illness to regular hormonal shifts due to monthly cycles. These monthly cycles can coincide with the cycles of the moon, but it is not absolutely necessary. In essence, the Metamorph's transformation is dependent primarily on mood, lifestyle and PMS/IMS.



So remember, don't believe the myths. These are not soulless killing machines or horny native boys. These are people in the throws of a momentary illness. If you would like to show support for their plight, or are a werewolf yourself and would like to seek support for your condition, please, join the Alters United Support Group.



Remember, man's best friend...is himself.